Thoughts of a Sad Soul

This piece was originally written dated July 1, 2007 with original title "My Own Piece of Sadness".  Reaching almost ten years, I guess the wheel of life had took its turn once again and I am at the lowest point at this time.  Not yet ready to share the experience though.  Maybe in due time...but as of now, I need to find a way to cope with it. 

MELANCHOLIC, DESPONDENT, DEPRESSING, GLOOMY, MISERABLE, CHEERLESS, HEARTBREAKING, HEARTRENDING, POIGNANT, DISTRESSING, UNHAPPY, SORROWFUL, DOWN. . .

There are so many words to describe an emotion when you face an untoward incident like a member of your family become sick one after the other, you are pressured at work, you have issues at home, you have debts to pay or in a deep financial burden, a relative died, your sibling suffered from fire accident and so on.  If you happen to undergo this doom all at the same time, how would you react?

Whew, life can be so downright depressing sometimes or most of the times that one would wonder “Why do I have to be so unlucky?”  UNLUCKY or unfortunate events, whatever one calls it are like uninvited visitors in one’s life.  No person in his right frame of mind would wish for these unwanted guests for sure. So irritating or exasperating that you cannot just let them simply disappear.  You have to endure them for as long as they are there, you need to learn how to cope or to try your best how to outsmart and to overpower them.  What a huge relief if you survive their annoying presence without suffering too much hostility. Those things brought by inauspicious chances seem to be my lot nowadays and I just do not know and understand WHY.  Could it be that I’ve been too slack in my spiritual responsibility, or I’ve been bad (unwittingly) to people (i.e. because others tend to perceive me as such for being somewhat too distant, sometimes moody and other times panicky depending on the situation I was in), or there are just mean people who wish to see one person suffer (which I want to think otherwise), or simply because life is like that?

In going through all these problems I think I already given my self enough moment to grieve, enough time to complain, enough ways to plan and enough reason to make myself believe that the stroke of bad luck shall pass but I miss my time to pray to GOD.  I feel sorry for being too proud, for believing that I could overcome these things after some time.    

“When it rains, it pours”, so they say.  When it comprises of good things I know I have to seize the opportunity to go out, fill a bucket or two and enjoy the rain, but if it consists of misfortunes I shall instinctively use an umbrella to take cover.  But I know there were also times when my umbrella could be blown away by gusty winds leaving me dripping wet. I learn that if that happens I must pray to GOD for the rain to stop for only HE has the power to make it happen.

Philippians 4:13  “I can do all this through HIM who gives me strength.”

blessed is he who reads...

Reposted...just some reflections for the Holy Week...

Got quite overwhelmed by the voluminous work and readings I had to deal with. Sometimes I feel more like "frazzing", got this word from TIME magazine’s article which means "frantic, ineffective multitasking, typically with the delusion that you are getting a lot done. The quality of the work, however, is poor". Grace under pressure…:-) whatever… still need to get going and BE HAPPY!!!

In the month of January I became a book geek, I was flooded by reading materials which were more than I could handle. How do you expect to read more than a thousand pages and understand and appreciate the content of it especially if you know that you are getting pressured just merely looking at the thickness of it? Well, really need to read them because those were really essential matter (work-related, what else)!

I am not a bookworm actually I read only when it is necessary, and I only read those books that will not take so much of my time. I remember those times when friends would lend me their bestsellers, I would start a chapter or two then jump to the end of the story. But, I am really impressed with people who love to read thick paperbacks and find them really admiring (how I wish I was gifted with the same patience). I remember one time when I shared an elevator ride with Sen. Enrile (he had an office at the same building as ours, some years ago) he was holding a book, actually he was not only holding it, he was reading it (I guess that is just how great minds came to be). I asked myself “would there be a time in my life when I also need to do that, reading while on the go, even in the elevator?” I think this is it, with all those RAs, PDs, SRS, FS, S&P etc. that I need to be aware of, I really need to find time to read wherever and whatever situation I am in, and I guess my habit of skip reading would not do, have to read every pages of them. If that does not qualify me to be a bookworm, I don’t know the meaning of the word anymore! My friend was teasing me when she saw me reading saying that it doesn’t look more like me, I guess I have to accept the fact that it already becomes my destiny.

Gosh, never thought I could muster enough time to read but I was able to snatch some from my precious moment to have an interesting read, too. I was able to take a peek at “The Food Bible”, the one I started reading last October. Actually, I read it in random, i.e. whatever topic that interests me. BTW, I really bought this book because middle of last year, I was alarmed that whenever I wake up in the morning I always have this puffy eyes which I suspected that it was something connected to my eating habits or the foods that I eat. To my surprise, the doctor that I visited could not give me concrete explanation, or at least refer me to a specialist who could give me the answer to my problem as to why I was experiencing such abnormal occurrence dropping the topic as something trivial which the doctor only said that I could have cried the previous night that’s why I woke up with puffy eyes. I could have advised her to change career and be a soothsayer instead :-) .

Buying this book was worthy indeed because I have learned that there really was a connection between my eating habits and puffy eyes and I was able to go to a specialist and correct the problem before anything gets out of hand. Another reason that I bought this book was because I really wanted to gain weight (just one of my new year’s resolutions). I was this thin girl all my life, so for a change I decided that I want to gain weight this year. Surprisingly I was able to do it with success. From a very thin 87 lbs frame I gained almost 20 lbs in eight weeks. I also followed a food regimen that’s written under the “food for weight control” section of the book. Of course I got to follow a healthy eating diet because I do not want to end up too tubby for my hubby. I just need to attain an ideal weight, keep diseases at bay and make this thin thing a part of the past. I intend to buy some more of this book to be given to those people who I think will need it.  You can get your own copy at

 

Going back to reading, the reading marathon carried on until this month, that is one of the problems when you’re not getting any younger and you have to cope into a corporate world, so much is expected of you and you need to know an array of different ideas or else expect yourself to lag behind those people who knows more, I observe that missed opportunities happen because of not having sufficient knowledge. However, there were downside effects for those times that I need to spend with work (reading), I missed some opportunities and lost social interaction, missed two or three occasions with friends, failed to make it to family gatherings, broken promises with colleagues which I really feel guilty and apologetic 😍 SORRY GUYS, hope to make up to all of you next time.

I still got a lot of reading to do, but somehow, I have this guilt feeling that compared to the amount of time I spent with those technical writings, republic acts and so on which were essential for career advancement I overlooked reading the gospel which is far more essential for life improvement. So while I was writing this blog, I stopped for a while, looked for a passage in the bible that tells about the “significance” of reading trying to look for justification in what I was doing. At the book of Revelation I found “Blessed is he who reads…”which sparked a striking notion of myself as being “blessed” as everyone else who has this penchant [either as innate or only because of necessity] for reading. I said to myself, maybe it is right to conclude that with reading comes knowledge, with knowledge comes opportunities and with opportunities comes success and blessings but when I finished reading the passage I sensed that there was far deeper meaning in it than I thought.

"Blessed is he who reads aloud the words of the prophecy, and blessed are those who hear, and who keep what is written therein; for the time is near" (Revelation 1:3).

I hope that no matter how busy we are, whatever activities we are involve in right now, whether we love reading or not, we still have time to learn the gospel for it is far more important to life and it is one great reading with a promise. God Bless Us All!!!


Originally posted last 03 February 2006

Holding On To Faith, Hanging On To Life

I went home that Sunday evening after spending sleepless nights in the hospital where my son was confined. My husband and I decided to have our child admitted in the hospital at the initial onset of his fever for fear of the deadly dengue. Dengue is a life-threatening disease transmitted by Aedes Aegypti mosquito. At that time, there already were 69,594 dengue cases wherein 501 deaths had already been noted by the Department of Health. We had been in the hospital since Thursday when my son developed high grade fever ranging from 39-42 degrees centigrade with accompanying whooping cough. The doctor’s initial diagnosis was pneumonia based on his radiological consultation but he also had skin rashes, was vomiting and was complaining of stomachache. The fever subsided on Saturday and he looked well the following day.

That Sunday we thought that my son was already out of danger after his fever subsided so my husband decided to send me home so I may be able to look after my little girl who was also having slight fever. I was thinking that by Tuesday, we would be released from the hospital but little did I know that the nightmare was far from over. By the time I reached the house of my in-laws where I left my two girls, my husband’s brother broke to me the bad news that he received a message from my husband and that my son was taken to the intensive care unit of the hospital. My son was positive for dengue, the hematology report indicated a drop in his platelet count from 330X10 9/L on September 9 to only 62X10 9/L at 6PM that Sunday. On hearing the sad news, I was trying hard to search for my inner strength but fear engulfed me. I wanted to go back to the hospital, I was in a state of denial when I told them that he was okay when I left the hospital and even assured them the same words that my son told me that he was doing well. My mother-in-law told me to just stay behind and to be calm while she and my brother in law hurriedly went to the hospital. While looking after my other sick child that night, I was praying hard for a miracle that they all get well. I hardly slept that night and I found myself sending text messages to friends requesting for a plant that others testified to help cure dengue patients. I was too desperate to try anything to cure my sick child.

At the break of dawn, I found myself phoning a friend in the office to ensure that I would have that plant before I go back to the hospital. I was able to serve that herbal tea to my son during lunch but it was such a struggle to convince him to take it, as he reasoned out that there was no scientific evidence and no approval from the Department of Health that the plant really had cured dengue patients. He only had four spoonfuls of rice with soup for his dinner and then told me that he just wanted to take a rest still complaining of his bad tummy and ruptured vein in the intravenous insertions. I was holding back my tears that time since I did not want him to feel as helpless as I was. When my sisters visited him that night, they were all alarmed that my son was too pale, his body too weak and dehydrated despite being administered with an intravenous solution on both hands and he had edema that his face, feet and arms were all bloated due to fluid retention. I went out of the ICU to talk to my sisters and to my mom who was also there. My mom insisted to the resident doctor to give us the true details of my son’s condition. We were faced with more problems when we had the last hematology report at 6PM wherein his platelet count further dropped to 42X10 9/L while his hematocrit had an elevated reading at 0.53 above the normal range of 0.42-0.48. I was totally disoriented and it felt like hope was fast fading away, I just sat there crying and nothing was coming to my head. I just heard my mommy talking to the doctor and all my sisters in disagreement of what option the doctor had told them. My sister-in-law and I was wide awake the whole night as if that could alleviate the suffering that my son was going through, waiting for each moment and praying for my son's improvement. The result of his blood test of 12NN revealed further drop in his platelet count to 36X10 9/L and it felt like our world was falling apart. When the doctor told us that the life of our son is not in her hands and that we must pray harder, no words could comfort me at that time and fear was written all over me. I wanted to convince myself that everything would be fine, my husband and I were holding on to faith while my son was hanging on to his dear life. That time between sobs, I was trying to remember the parable from the bible wherein a man's great faith had helped cured his servant. (I just want to share it with all of you)


Mat 8: 5-10
And when Jesus was entered into Capernaum, there came unto him a centurion, beseeching him, and saying, “Lord, my servant lie at home sick of the palsy, grievously tormented”.

Jesus said unto him, “I will come and heal him”.

The centurion answered and said, “Lord, I am not worthy that thou should come under my roof: but speak the word only, and my servant shall be healed. For I am a man under authority, having soldiers under me: and I say to this man, Go, and he goes; and to another, Come, and he comes; and to my servant, Do this, and he does it”.

When Jesus heard it he marveled and said to them that followed, “Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel”.

Mat 8:13
And Jesus said unto the centurion, “Go thy way; and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee”. And his servant was healed in the selfsame hour.


I knew that the story somehow helped me find again my strength and faith and to believe that miracles do happen through prayers. After nine long days in the hospital (four days in the ICU), my son is now on the road to recovery. I thank God that my son survived from dengue hemorrhagic fever and pneumonia. I also thank all the people who prayed with us and visited my son in the hospital, and thanks to our relatives who helped us emotionally, financially and spiritually along the way


Psa 94:17 Unless the LORD had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence.

Search for the beauty within you

Since I have said in my previous post that I am starting this year on a new note (see related post: Earth Hour 2010) I really need to keep my promise to myself that I intend to go green this year. Now I am also getting to be conscious of the products I use at home.

Aside from replacing energy-intensive appliances and limiting the use of electricity inside the house, I also get to monitor the waste that is going out of our home. I started to make an inventory of all products I use from cooking essentials to bathroom necessities and I opted to make a major change in my shopping habit, I need to exert an extra effort to only use and patronize products that share the same principle as I have.

Even if I still have some stocks left at home, I already started searching for the things I intend to buy. I went to the supermarkets trying to find that environment-friendly local products to bring home but to my disappointment, I seem to be looking for a single coin under the vast sea.  What I did find out was only few companies really make an effort to encourage their consumers to be environment-conscious. It’s a good thing that I came across a product line that is not only into the business of making their consumers beautiful but also encourages earth-friendly disposition.  I was really glad to find a product with such initiative,  it says a lot in their packaging "not tested on animals", "does not contain animal ingredients", "formulated without parabens and phthalates" and there is a statement that encourages consumer to recycle the packaging.

What a nice way to be beautiful and be earth-friendly at the same time.  Still need to search some other nature-friendly products for the home though.  It's a strange but exciting feeling as if I am into treasure-hunting ;-)

Unsullied Perspective for 2006 Part 2

Continued from Unsullied Perspective for 2006 Part I

Time is of the essence if you belong to those who wished for life’s grandeur. They would need an assistant just to jot down the things that they need to do, the people they need to meet or the things they need to change or else everything will go amiss. For those who live their lives modestly although they also feel that time is precious, they are not that compelled to create resolutions. Just taking each day as it is, sometimes idle and sometimes busy so most likely they have greater needs and wants in life but they find it hard to attain.

They could improve on something even more but they lack the drive to do so. Time is wasted by merely thinking on how and what they are going to change in their life. And for those who doesn't know yet what they want in life, time seems to be a luxury but life is meaningless and poignant. When they get around a point when their memory is failing and their life is depressing, only then they realize that so much time have been wasted and it is too late to make resolutions. Maybe you do not belong to the three types of people that I mentioned, you might have your own way to live your life but whichever way it is, it helps to make written resolutions (and it’s never too late to make one). Consider this as the blueprint of what you want to accomplish for the next days or years to come however big or small, complex or simple they may be. This will give you a direction or purpose in life to some extent. It is not only during the new year that you can make resolutions, if you feel like making one, it will help to write things down so you will know what you need to accomplish or change so that time will not be wasted thinking and thinking what you want to happen in your life. It will also be difficult to forget those written resolutions especially if you post them in a way that you will be reminded to the point of memorizing each line you wrote. It would be like music reverberating in your head that when you sing along with it you will feel ashamed of yourself if you are not singing the right lyrics. Do you ever wonder why there is a need for written plan when you have to construct a tall or wide structure like buildings or mansions and why other simple structures are built without one. Most probably you know which structure is stronger and could brave a stormy weather. That’s how written resolutions could play a part in your life, you can decide which structure you want for yourself. Anyway, you are the master of your life, with or without written resolutions, it will be all up to you if you want to make a difference or not. As for me, my resolutions for the new-year are: to create a resolution, write them down because I cannot count on my memory at all times (I tend to forget as I said), and writing is beneficial for the health according to studies, act now because I do not own lavish time, there may be people who wished for me to change my ways for the better so before they even get to rest in peace I may give them the joy of seeing me change for the better (joke!) \(^o^)/ Kidding aside, whatever my resolution is, I already wrote them and saved it for myself for the meantime, but I hope to share them with you also. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!